I'm sitting in my back patio, sun rising slowly behind towering pine trees. The birds are out, soft chirps in the distance. A curious one just landed in my raised garden bed, hoping to find something good in the soil. This is a nice change from the clang of roofers, the steady thwap-thwap-thwap of nail guns. 

Early this spring, we got hail the size of tennis balls. It seems like everyone in town was affected one way or another, and we swap insurance stories and contractor stories. Spring started out an unexpected whirlwind, then somehow kept spinning faster.

I kept traveling for work (something I normally don't do at all), my routine completely demolished. I was glad to travel to each time, but I'm also a creature of home and routine. Give me adventure, but in small measured doses that let me return back to myself easily by the end of the day. When do you thrive the most? What inspires you to breath a little easier? 

Poetry has always been a doorway for me. A way to steady the clamor thwap-thwap-thwap of thoughts running in my mind, each one always propelled and racing before I can finish thinking it. Before I got my ADHD diagnoses, I thought everyone's brain was a train yard. 

The first day I tried my new medication, I was shocked at how quiet everything was. How I could pick and hold one thought at a time. How everything seemed to slow, how I felt more present in my own bones. There are still days where I feel overwhelmed by my rolling to-do lists, where the noise turns up, and where I interrupt more than I listen. 

I haven't always known what I was thinking, competing thoughts and stressors never laying out a clear path to my emotions. I've always quieted the world by writing. I lay my thoughts out to see them. The half-formed feelings and quick ideas. I love the way that by writing, I can tie together understanding. Little disparate moments are woven together, simmering and flashing beneath the surface. I give it time, the science of being human still so full of unknown variables. And when I sit and write, I become a map maker. Sometimes, I become a weary traveler, setting down something heavy into paper so I don't have to carry it anymore. 

On Monday, my favorite poet in the world died. Andrea Gibson shifted my world in so many different ways. I first encountered their work in college. I don't remember who first introduced me -- except that I want to say: thank you, thank you, thank you. 

You can hear echoes of Andrea's influence in my cadence, in the way I string certain sounds together just to enjoy their taste. I used to worry that I sounded too much like my influences. Today, I'm so grateful for their presence that lingers. I welcome the haunting of their wisdom, the way they wove vulnerability like a spell to connect us across vast differences. 

In my early twenties, I travelled America with a backpack and a thumb. In San Franciso, I stayed with a slam poet who I'd met in Lincoln. I'd seen him perform at the crowded Meadowlark coffee shop, and wrote my first spoken word poem on my walk back home. I stand on a stage, surrounded by constellations. You never know what magical things you might set in motion just by shining your own light. 

I have so many small world stories about connection -- from that year of travel, and also the mundane traveling of my ordinary days since then. I want to get better at sharing them, of taking time to explore experience on paper.

I want to make more time to sit in my back patio and in crowded coffee shops. This winter, I went on an adventure to Curacao. Tucked in between the stress of luggage and flights, there was a submission deadline for creative work. I decided to be brave and just submit something. 

Sometimes, exciting things just happen by being brave and trying something. Two of the four poems I submitted were accepted, and the book launch happens next week. Driftless: an anthology of voices from where we live.

There are so many things that help me thrive, help me breathe a little easier. One of these is writing. Another is being in community. I'm so excited to stand in a room with other local authors, aspiring artists, curious hearts, and people finding pieces of their shared humanity reflected back through so many different types of stories. 

I think there's nothing more Andrea Gibson, my favorite poet, would have loved. Each of us, becoming little doorways to something bigger. 

Starting is always the hardest thing. I haven't blogged since my life disappeared into a whirlwind,  half a decade ago. Doesn't five years sound long when you say it that way? 

Last year, the whirlwind started to subside. I started returning to myself.

• I started working out for strong bones and muscles (like my heart!)
• I started playing piano 
• I started playing golf
• I started spending much more time with family
  
  

This year? I've realized a big part of returning to myself (showing up for myself) is found in both creativity and connection. 

I've always loved writing. As far back as I can remember, I've been scribbling in diaries and dreaming up stories for someday novels. The older I've gotten, though, the more it's felt like life always feels too busy to sit down and write. 

In March, I spontaneously decided to join a new Writers Group in town. They had a booth at our library's community involvement fair. Choose your own adventure.

I wound up at a beautiful house on a beautiful day, wine glass in hand as I listened to writers talk about their craft. Two of my new writer friends talked about how their favorite time to write is in the mornings, and how lovely it is to spend hours writing. 

Back when I worked in public accounting, a co-worker friend had introduced me to the concept of Desire Paths. They are unplanned trails that form by the natural movement of people or animals. Desire Paths show planners where formal roads might make the most sense, what is the easiest or most direct way to navigate a space. 

James Clear's famous book Atomic Habits echoes this, encouraging folks to remove friction and create an environment that naturally supports the habits they want to incorporate. 

I've been examining my own life for Desire Paths. What is the natural shape of my life? Where does energy naturally occur that can support the life I want to grow? How do I add supportive structure to what already works well?

My brain (and motivation) works best in the mornings. And so, in March, I began something new. Every Tuesday and Thursday morning before work, I take myself out on a writing date. It gives me something to look forward to, a bit of quiet in the midst of constantly chaotic breaking news. 

The more space I've made for writing, the easier and quicker I sink back into what I last was typing. I think that's how it is anytime you begin something. The next step is always a little easier, the path a little easier to find. 

This year, I'm beginning many things. I hope you join me as I explore them! 

​

The biggest, most FUN and EXCITING update started early this spring. I applied to Bay Path University, and was accepted for the 2020 Fall semester! Bay Path is a women's university located on the East Coast. They have robust online degree programs designed with working, professional women in mind. It's regionally accredited (essential), and a wildly supportive environment. 

I've been thinking about going back to school for the last five years. This past year, I better realized that life is waiting for me to claim and that I'm more than capable of doing so. I'm studying Business with a major in Accounting. It will only help me in my current work life, and gives me a world of options if I should ever need or want them. I think that the CPA track is absolutely fascinating (because I'm absolutely a nerd)! ;) 

Each online semester is split into three accelerated sessions. Each session is 6 weeks long, and every student has the option of enrolling in one or two courses per session. I'm considered full time, enrolling in two courses per session, and will be taking 18 credits total per overall semester. I have just finished my first session, and am beginning my next set of classes. I waited till the completing the first session to definitively explore a) is this possible? and b) is this something I definitely want to pursue? With six weeks behind me, I can absolutely say YES to both of those questions! 

I just met with my academic advisor and I should be graduating the spring of 2022. 

Prepare for more blog posts in the future about being a full-time working student (refining time management skills and early bedtimes). 

My first two courses were an Excel class (! :D) and a required BPU course in a series called Women Empowered as Learners and Leaders (WEL). The WEL courses focus on navigating the world as a professional woman, covering topics that range from imposter syndrome, salary negotiation, to leadership on non-profit boards. It was an excellent way to start back off in college, after so many years away. The work was deep, deeply personal, and illuminating.

My next two courses, which I'm working on today, are Principles of Marketing and Economics.  My professor in Economics was a senior auditor for a large, community bank. Maybe this blog post title really should have just been Nerd Alert, for all the things I'm terribly excited about?

It's 2020, though, and obviously, it's not all been good things since applying to school in the spring.

The very start of June, my direct supervisor left work to focus on some medical needs. It was cancer-related, and she ended up unexpectedly passing away in July. How do you articulate that kind of sadness? She had been heading towards retirement, cut down on her hours, and had been training me for the last year and a half to some day take over for her when she was ready. We try to plan out our lives. This year has been the biggest lesson in how planning cannot rule the day.

Brenda passed away two days after my cousin Estrella's birthday. Estrella died when I was 17, and she was 19. She was the first person I ever came out to, and is someone whose memory will forever live buried and breathing in my heart. Grief, this year, has come in strange wave. I know I'm not the only one. 

I take lessons with me. In my new position at work, I promise myself to let every day be a learning opportunity -- and not take things so seriously. I promise myself to show the people I love that I love them. Every day. And I promise not to sacrifice the most important things in my life (see Update #4), and not to put them off for a "someday." 

What a gift we are given in breathing today. 

Late this summer, Janet was exposed to someone who tested positive for COVID. She ended up testing positive with no symptoms.  I tested negative (twice, because we know I'm paranoid like that). Because she was positive, but I was negative with no symptoms, this is is had to happen:

-Janet was isolated in her own room and bathroom for 10 days from the date she got tested. I left her meals outside her door, and felt horribly stressed and paranoid for ten days. I had allergies, and it was a million degrees outside that week. What does normal feel like? I kept asking myself, absolutely not sure of the answer. 

-I was quarantined for 14 days from the day I got tested. You never realize what you need till you can't leave your house! We had an emergency store of groceries in case this ever happened, but I hadn't thought of everything. Our friends were incredible, running errands and dropping off yummy surprises. 

Janet and I finally got to be back together for four days, the last of my quarantine, and everything felt so much better. My allergies were also better and I got that second negative test result back, so that made a huge difference. PLUS! Janet, my personal chef, was back in action ;) 

I never really worried too much about how COVID-19 could affect me and Janet if either of us got it, but I'm always worried about how I could pass it on to someone more vulnerable. However, there was one allergies night, contemplating my breathing, where I wondered what would I regret leaving undone if I didn't make it to see next week?

This brings me to my most important update! I did these updates chronologically, or else I definitely would have put this one first. 

As I lay in bed, pondering my life and the life yet-lived, I came to one resounding conclusion. The single thing I'd feel terrible about leaving undone is a workable draft of my first novel! Does that sound crazy? I'm okay with it :) 

I'm working on better developing Magic Ungrounded's scaffolding, from characters to plot to place. I'm going slowly, finding inspiration in things like the first bite of juicy mango and the delight of ancient rituals. My goal is to have the scaffolding in place by mid December 2020, then to NaNoWriMo-esque a month of ferocious re-writing during my winter break. 

Where will it lead? I'm incredibly excited to find out!

The other big update is that I've started an online Writing Circle for women and non-binary folks. A little encouragement, accountability, and sharing can go a very long way. 

Well, this blog post is a whole book -- isn't it? Guess I'm good now! ;) Just kidding. Janet, whose entire IT department at Lands' End got outsourced due to the pandemic, discovered the wonders of gardening this summer. She amazed me with her careful and excited cultivation, beautiful life blooming in pots on our driveway and back patio. 

I want more of this, moving forward. I want to yearn for life, to reach for the sun, and to claim my place in the world. Even if it's a little pot on a slab of cement, a little studying before work, a little more unpacking my own biases and misunderstandings, a little more creating meaning out of fictional worlds, a little more dedication to sinking into sacred time. I want all of it. I want another year of life. And I want to sweep you up in sunbeam, you reader, reading this whole darned book. 

​Love you! <3